Afraid to tell my boyfriend about my past sex life

Dear Pastor,

When I was 17, a group of us girls went out with some of our guy friends after they invited us out.

They were all from the middle class. In the past, we had fun together. My parents knew some of them. All my parents did was to caution me about drinking. I did not listen enough. I should have known better because I had lost my virginity when partying with some of these guys. I got half drunk. I knew something was going on, but I couldn't control myself.

I remember the first time I was having sex, the guy was kissing me and playing with my private parts and it felt so good; I just allowed him to have his way. My girlfriend was in the other room, and she kept telling the man she was with "It feel so nice, don't [ejaculate] now, you know." Eventually he did. This guy did his thing with me and all of us slept together. None of us went home that night nor did we use protection. I knew I had to lie to my parents the following day. I pretended that I slept at the home of one of my friends. But in truth, I slept in the arm of a college mate whom I did not know well. It was the first time I had 'special' to drink (energy drink and rum).

I was in a little pain for a few days. When I saw the guy again on campus, I told him never again, but I did not hold anything against him. We are still good friends and we have had sex a number of times since then. But I have learnt to be more careful and to not be carried away with this thing called rum. Since then, I have a steady boyfriend. He watches me a lot. He is the only man who I have allowed to touch my private parts these days. He does not encourage me to drink rum. He doesn't even drink beer. He says he wants to become a pastor.

I do not know what to do. I became a praise and worship leader in my church. Now this man who loves me has proposed to me and he wants us to get married. I do not believe that I am worthy to be his wife knowing the things that I have done. Whenever I see him or he shakes my hand at church, I feel nervous. He is always asking me why I am so nervous and what do I have on my heart to tell him. I just tell him that I do not feel I am worthy to become a minister's wife. He replied that he is not worthy to be a pastor. Do you think I should tell this man what I have done in the past? Please give me guidance in this matter.

R.L.

Dear R.L.,

When young people are growing up, sometimes they do crazy things. Some do so as a result of peer pressure and in your case they get sexually involved under the influence of alcohol.

A one-night stand can change a person forever. You are fortunate that you went with your friends. You had unprotected sex but you didn't get pregnant. You were not a drinker but that evening, you did not use common sense, so you ended up sleeping with a guy and one of the girls did the same.

You have put that type of behaviour behind you and are leading in praise and worship. You have met a man who loves you, but your conscience still haunts you and you wonder whether you are worthy to become this man's spouse. You do not have any obligation to tell the man about your past, except to say that you are not a virgin. You should not expect him to tell you about his past either. You cannot change the past; neither can he. Don't volunteer any information about yourself when it comes to sex, except for admitting that you are not a virgin. I wish you well. Accept the man's proposal and plan your future together.

Pastor